If you want to build your self-confidence, you need to develop a strategy to move past your fears, whatever they may be. Notice that I didn't say eliminate your fears, I said move past them. It's not that self-confident people don't feel fear, they just don't let fear stop them from moving forward. It's perfectly normal to feel nervous, uncertain or awkward about trying new things and indeed that's probably a good thing because it keeps us on our toes and paying attention to warning signs that we may be getting in over our heads. But when these negative feelings limit or cripple our ability to think clearly and make good decisions, there's a problem.

Even though emotions like fear are not logical, there are some logical steps you can take to mitigate them so that you are controlling them rather than allowing them to control you. If you can learn to set aside the panic, then you can more easily think, evaluate and react in the face of uncertainty. This allows you to be proactive and consequently feel more in control of your life, which is most definitely a confidence booster.

So the next time you feel that familiar sense of panic take hold of you:

• Remember that for centuries, all across the world people just like you have tried new things and survived their experiences just fine. So there's no reason why you won't be able to do the same. And even if things don't turn out the way you expect, failures are simply lessons learned, not the end of the world. Quite often "failure" opens the door to new and even better opportunities.
• Focus on what you need to do, rather than how it makes you feel. That means, for example, if you're making a presentation to a group of people, focus on how best to get your message across as opposed to how uncomfortable you're feeling speaking to a group of strangers.
• Don't allow negative self-talk (i.e. I'm scared, I don't know if I can do this) distract you from what you're trying to accomplish. Instead, imagine how good you're going to feel once you've successfully completed the task at hand. Your mind is an extremely powerful tool so make it work for you by focusing on a positive outcome rather than a negative one.
• Don't dwell on past mistakes or failures. Consider them learning experiences and move on. The past is over and done with, and can't be changed. However, the future is wide open and up to you, so take what you've learned from past experience and leverage it to your advantage.
• Identify concerns and take active steps to resolve them in advance. For example, if you're going to an industry or charity event for the first time and have absolutely no idea what to wear, call the organizers and ask. Or, if you're worried about not being able to connect with someone on a first date, google "small talk ideas" to arm yourself with some good conversation starters. Often a simple phone call or a few minutes of Internet research is all it takes to eliminate your anxiety so that you can truly look forward to trying something new.
• If some behaviour or ritual helps boost your confidence, use it. Some people like to meditate while others post sticky notes containing positive affirmations around their house. Reminding oneself of past successes and visualizing a successful outcome in advance of an activity are also common practices. Perhaps you might feel more confident when your hair is freshly cut or your nails are newly polished. I personally feel most confident when I'm more formally dressed, so I wear my red "power suit" to important business meetings and client presentations. (Just be careful that your ritual remains a tool and doesn't become a crutch. Crutches can be just as limiting as the fears they are counteracting, leading to excessive compulsive behaviours if you start believing you can't function without them.)
• Don't be afraid to challenge your fears head on. Think about the worst possible thing that could happen if things don't go according to plan, and then ask yourself how bad it truly could be. If the potential reward is worth the risk, then come up with some contingency plans to cover yourself, just in case. Odds are you won't need them, but it will help you feel more in control of the situation and therefore more empowered to deal with it.
• Divide large, intimidating projects into smaller, more manageable tasks. While the thought of starting your own business can be overwhelming, a step by step action plan allows you to deal with all the various things that need to be done one small task at a time, which isn't nearly as scary as tackling one huge, ginormous task. This step by step, organized approach helps keep you focused and on track without feeling completely intimidated by the enormity of the big picture.
• Understand that perfection is an unreasonable goal, and that by demanding perfection from yourself you're mentally setting yourself up for failure. Perfection isn't always necessary to achieve success. Self-confident people are successful, but not perfect.

If you're seriously looking to increase your self-confidence, I recommend you start small and proceed slowly. Nothing breeds success like success, and so smaller victories will help you become more comfortable taking on larger challenges. Therefore, set incremental goals and don't forget to recognize and reward yourself for achieving them.

You're not going to feel totally comfortable trying new things at first. In fact, you'll probably feel quite stressed at times. So why bother to get out of your comfort zone? Because self-confidence opens doors and increases your options. If you have confidence in yourself, then people are more likely to have confidence in you. People like to be associated with winners, and so having more self-confidence makes it easier to make friends, obtain a higher paying job, persuade others to go along with your ideas, and so on.

As you find the courage to step outside your comfort zone, don't be discouraged if you start to feel a little out of your element. Self-confidence can't be built overnight, and there will be setbacks when things don't go according to plan. But as long as you remember that no matter what happens you can and will deal with it, you'll be just fine. Understanding and accepting this is the true essence of self-confidence. Once you have this figured out, you'll realize you truly are in charge of your own destiny and that the sky's the limit.

There's a lot more to communicating effectively than simply opening your mouth and letting the words spill out in a haphazard manner. Your choice of words, the tone of your voice, your posture and your body movement are all important components of effective communication. In addition, since communication is a two way street, how well you listen to the other party is also key. Part one of this three part series focuses on choosing the correct language to facilitate understanding and taking responsibility for ensuring your message is correctly understood. Part two discusses the importance of listening from the speaker's perspective and part three talks about some key things to consider regarding your tone of voice and your body language.

Know what you want to say
The most effective communication is clear, concise and to the point. People who ramble on tend to bore their listeners, who then stop paying attention and instead allow themselves to become distracted, either by other activity going on around them or by those little thoughts that tend to pop into people's heads whenever they stop focusing on the situation at hand.

Even if the listener does remain focused, rambling provides a large amount of detail, often unnecessary, that can be quite overwhelming. Information overload makes it difficult to remember everything being said, and so the more info provided the greater the possibility that important details can be misunderstood, or perhaps missed completely.

It's therefore always important to think before you speak, regardless of who you are speaking to. Understand what you want to say and then say it clearly and succinctly, using simple, direct language.

• Know your objective. Knowing exactly what you want to say will help you state it clearly, increasing the odds your message will be correctly understood. The more detailed the communication the more it is open to misinterpretation, and therefore the greater the importance of using simple and straightforward language.
• People can't mind read. Particularly when giving instructions to someone, be clear in your own mind about exactly what you want before making the request. After all, expecting someone to read your mind is not fair and besides, there are no guarantees you'll get what you need the first time around. (Ever had a boss ask you to develop a report that kept changing each time you brought it back to her?)
• Say the most important stuff first. People tend to better remember the first part of what you tell them - that is, provided you have their full attention before you begin to speak. So once you're sure the other party is truly listening, make your key points right away.
• Summarize your key points again at the very end. In addition to the beginning of your message, people also more easily remember the very last thing you told them. So where it's important to clarify comprehension and it's practical to do so, restate your key points at the end of your speech. In other words, "Tell 'em what you're going to tell 'em. Tell 'em. Tell 'em what you told 'em". (Paul White, first director of CBS news radio.)

Use language your listener understands
If we want to be effective communicators, we need to speak to others using language they can relate to and therefore interpret correctly. This means the words we use to get our message across depends on our audience. For example:

• Using words that are not part of everyday common speech can potentially be confusing to someone for whom English is a second language. A good communicator will therefore keep their language simple and take care to speak more slowly for someone they sense is not fluent in the language being spoken.
• Using company or industry specific jargon when training or assigning a project to a new employee will likely create more questions than answers. A good communicator will therefore verify that the employee understands any special terminology being used in the discussion.
• Using slang common to your generation or culture may well be lost on someone who doesn't share your demographic. Take Internet slang, for example. How well do you think your computer illiterate aunt will comprehend the concepts of texting or tweeting? How high do you think you would score on a job interview if the interviewer is over fifty and you start peppering your conversation with internet acronyms like LOL (laughing out loud), OMG (oh my God), OMT (one more thing), TBH (to be honest) and so on?

Speak in specifics instead of generalities
The above examples may seem obvious to some, but communication mix ups regularly occur even when both parties speak the same language with equal fluency and both are equally familiar with any special jargon or terminology being used in the conversation. That's because people interpret much of what they hear based on their own personal frame of reference, which is based on their values and beliefs and tempered by their life experiences. Thus frame of reference is unique to each individual.

This means that words and phrases can mean something different to two individuals involved in a conversation. For example, take the phrase "as soon as possible". To the boss who's asking for a report, this might mean "drop what you're doing and prepare the report for me immediately". But the employee might interpret the instruction as "do it as soon as you get your current project done and have some free time to work on it". Then when the report is not ready within an hour the boss is angry and the employee is confused.

So who's at fault in the above situation? Both parties are, to some degree. The boss is responsible for making sure her instructions are correctly understood and the employee is responsible for making sure she correctly understands them. But because the boss wasn't specific in terms of timing and the employee interpreted "as soon as possible" based on her own frame of reference instead of verifying what her boss really meant, a communication breakdown occurred.

Particularly where time is involved, speaking in specifics as opposed to generalities can help you avoid these types of misunderstandings when speaking with family, friends or colleagues. Instead of asking for something "as soon as posible", give the other party a more specific deadline, such as "I need this by noon".

Speak from the listener's frame of reference
Effective communication is not as much about you and what you think as it is about your audience and how they think. As discussed above, people will interpret what you tell them based on their personal frame of reference. A good communicator will therefore consider the background of their audience, including knowledge of and/or experience with the subject matter, cultural background, personal goals, values and attitude.

For example, launching into a detailed dissertation on a subject that your audience already knows a fair bit about may be seen as boring, insulting or both, so that by the time you get to the really important part they will have stopped listening. In a situation like this it would be more appropriate to take a more collaborative approach, such as "I know you know what you're doing, but here are the pitfalls to watch out for." Then proceed to tell them the key things you want them to pay attention to.

Relating information to someone in a way that has personal relevance to them will help them remember what you're telling them. For example, if you know your new co-worker Jane likes to cook, you might give her directions for entering customer orders that relate the procedure to the steps in baking a cake. That will give her a frame of reference she can relate to, which will help her remember the order entry process.

Understanding how your audience thinks is particularly important when you are trying to persuade someone to either agree with you or do something for you. For example, what you may perceive as a challenge and an opportunity, they might see as threat. Taking the time to reassure the other party and explain the benefits of doing something your way will help them get past their self-limiting thoughts and come on board to your way of thinking.

In some situations, your listener may not be interested in what you have to say. So if you want to get your point across, you will need to relate what you're saying to how it fits with their beliefs, values and goals so that the subject then becomes relevant to them. In other words, put yourself in their shoes and then ask yourself what value your communication has for them. That's the starting point of your conversation, to ensure you capture their attention and make them want to listen to you.

Ask questions to clarify understanding
Many people are poor listeners and at times even good listeners can become distracted and miss an important part of what is being said. Sometimes when people don't catch all the details, rather than ask questions that might reveal to the speaker they weren't fully paying attention, they cover it up by filling in the blanks with their own assumptions. Other times they don't ask clarifying questions because they don't realize they didn't catch everything. Another reason why people may not ask clarifying questions is because they are embarrassed to admit they don't understand what the speaker means.

Effective communicators understand this and therefore accept responsibility for ensuring their message is clearly understood by asking questions to determine the depth of their listener's understanding. Based on the listener's response, they can then provide missing details, correct any misassumptions or repeat their message using language the listener might be better able to relate to.

Feedback is important to let you know how your message is being received. There are various ways of assessing feedback. Does your listener lean forward in her seat, as if paying close attention? Does she have a quizzical look on her face? Does she shuffle her feet and gaze at the clock? The message sent by these reactions could be "I am fascinated," "I am confused", "I'm no longer listening because I'm thinking about something that is more important to me at the moment," or any number of others. As a speaker you need to be alert to these reactions and adjust your message accordingly.

Don't be a lazy communicator
The simple rule to remember is that when it comes to communicating effectively, it stops being all about you and instead becomes all about the other person. From the speaker's perspective, it's about first identifying in your own mind exactly what you want to say and then communicating your message using clear, concise language the other party can relate to. Simply put, it's about being considerate of your audience, rather than being a lazy communicator who forces them to make assumptions and fill in the blanks.

Even though both parties to a communication share responsibility for ensuring the message is correctly understood, effective communicators choose to accept full responsibility, regardless of whether they are the speaker or the listener. This week's article looked at how to facilitate effective communication from the speaker's perspective. Part two of this article series will focus on what the listener can do to help ensure they correctly understand what the speaker is trying to say.

Communication by its very nature is two sided in that for it to be fully complete it has to be sent by one party and received by another. Therefore, how the sender articulates their thoughts and how the receiver interprets them both have a bearing on the effectiveness of any communication transaction.

Part One of this article series discussed practical steps the sender can take to increase the odds their message will be correctly understood. Part Two is now going to explore what the receiver can do to improve their chances of correctly interpreting what is being communicated to them.

Not everyone is a good communicator, and in fact it's been my experience that there are far too many poor communicators in this world. Poor communication has caused most of my business and personal relationship problems over the years, and I suspect that if you think about it, you will agree that poor communication has contributed to the majority of your relationship issues as well.

Recognizing this means recognizing also that if you want your relationships with family, friends and colleagues to be as positive and productive as possible, you need to proactively take steps to ensure your communication skills are the best they can possibly be. This includes honing your listening skills so that you are able to correctly interpret what people tell you, regardless of how well they are able to express it.

When it's your turn to listen, then LISTEN
Although the above seems obvious, it's amazing how many people appear oblivious to the fact that you can't possibly know what the other party is thinking unless you actively listen to what they are trying to tell you. Cutting people off mid-sentence to counter their statements, dismissing their arguments with a disdainful comment or ignoring their words completely is all too commonplace, and it leads to all kinds of problems. Letting people speak without fully paying attention to what they are saying is just as common, and equally as problematic.

Actively listening means devoting your full attention to what the other party is trying to tell you. It means listening not only to their words, but also to the emotion behind them and the overall intent of the message. So if you wish to improve your active listening skills, here are some things to consider:

• You can't actively listen to what someone else is saying if you are already planning your rebuttal while they are still speaking. If you don't wait until the end of their argument before starting to form yours, odds are you're going to miss something important.
• You can't read someone else's mind, so don't assume you already know what they are going to say. Take the time and have the patience to hear them out, because what they say might well be very different from what you were expecting to hear.
• Make eye contact while listening and nod your head occasionally to acknowledge to the other party that they have your full attention. Knowing you are indeed listening will help reduce any stress they might feel about needing to be heard and allow them to better focus on message content.
• Try not to speak until you are sure the other person has finished. Cutting someone off, even if by accident, will give them the impression you're not listening, even if you are.
• Listen for the main ideas. It's difficult to remember every single detail of a conversation, so focus on the key intent of the message, paying careful attention to statements that being with phrases like "My point is..." or "It's important that..." Take note also of anything that is repeated one or more times, as that is also an indicator that it is important to the speaker.
• Try not to let background activity distract your concentration, even for a moment, as you could miss something important.

Listen from the speaker's frame of reference
In Part One I suggested that in order to facilitate understanding, effective communicators formulate how to best get their point across based in part on their audience's frame of reference, which includes factors such as knowledge of and/or experience with the subject matter, cultural background, personal goals, values and attitude.

The same logic applies when actively listening to what someone is trying to communicate to you. Evaluating what they are saying based on what you know about their personal background will provide additional insight into what they are trying to tell you.

For example, sometimes people might say things that seem ill conceived or perhaps even illogical to you, which leave you wondering what on earth could be going on inside their head. However, you need to keep in mind that what they are saying is perfectly logical to them, or they wouldn't be saying it. Looking beyond the actual words to the thought processes behind them will facilitate your understanding of where they are coming from. Depending on the nature of the conversation, this will allow you to diffuse their fears, or explain why they may have misunderstood your intent, or not take something they said so personally, and so on.

Many people, particularly those who are shy or lacking in self-confidence, are not comfortable speaking their mind if it means being critical of someone, particularly if it's the person they are speaking directly with. In order to do so, they need to work themselves up to the point where they're so emotionally flustered they are unable to express themselves clearly. Some people get so emotionally worked up they become aggressive and downright nasty. Understanding what's going on will allow you not to take their surprise hostility personally, so that you'll be able to diffuse the situation and perhaps salvage a relationship. Often these people simply require acknowledgement of their feelings, and then they will calm down so that you can have a reasonable discussion with them to sort things out. (Please note that I'm not suggesting it's okay for people to be aggressive and nasty when they are emotionally worked up. In fact, quite the opposite is true. However, nobody is perfect, and if the relationship is important to you, then understanding that what is motivating someone's hostility has more to do with them than with you can help you keep your cool in a potentially explosive situation.)

Listen without prejudging
A significant barrier to active listening is prejudging what you're hearing before you've heard it all. Any evaluation process going on inside your head will cause you to miss part of the speaker's argument. It will also close your mind to the possibility that the speaker may have a valid point.

Instead, try to keep an open mind until the speaker is finished. Once you are sure they are done you can counter their argument, but try to do so without being emotionally attached to your point of view. If the speaker picks up on your emotion they may react by becoming defensive, which then reduces your chances of persuading them to see your point of view.

Ask questions to clarify understanding
Because so many people are poor communicators, even though you might listen carefully to everything they say and try to see things from their point of view without prejudging what they're saying, once they've finished speaking you may not fully understand what they've told you or asked you to do. If that's the case, you need to ask questions that will clarify exactly what they mean.

There are a number of ways to do this. For example, you can paraphrase your understanding of what was said and ask for verification you've got it right. Alternatively, if there is a specific piece of information you're missing you can ask for it directly, as in "After I determine which customers need to be contacted, how would you like me to prioritize the calls?"

Even if you believe you've understood the intent of someone's message, it's always good practice to verify your understanding by summarizing what you've been told and requesting confirmation that your interpretation is accurate and complete. You may be surprised at how often the other party will correct you. People don't always take the time to think things through before they speak and once you repeat back to them what you heard them say they may realize that what they actually said wasn't quite what they'd intended.

In addition, you may find at times that you've missed an important part of the communication. Studies show that people remember only 25% - 50% of what they hear (depending on the study being quoted). Therefore, in a lengthy conversation where detailed instructions are given to you, there is a good possibility you could miss a key point. (One way to limit the chances of missing important information is take detailed written notes, when and where it is practical to do so.)

So far we've reviewed key ways you can maximize your effectiveness as a communicator from both a speaking and a listening perspective. The third and final part of this article series will talk about how one's body language can either facilitate or hinder the communication process.

There is a great deal more to effective communication than words, no matter how carefully they are chosen. This is true regardless of whether you are the speaker or the listener.

Tone of voice, body posture and facial expression are very much a part of what is being communicated, and these factors all play a key role in determining how well your audience understands and accepts what you are telling them. Particularly in "sensitive" or emotional situations, the tone of your voice and non-verbal cues like how relaxed your body is or whether you are smiling or frowning can have more impact on your audience than the actual words you speak.

In return, the tone of their voice as they ask questions, the openness of their posture and the expression on their faces will indicate how well you are getting through to your audience - whether they are interested in what you're trying to tell them, whether they accept or believe you, whether what they're hearing is making them happy, angry or sad, and so on.

Good communication skills therefore require a high level of self-awareness in terms of how well your body is in tune with what you're trying to say as a speaker, or alternatively, how receptive you are trying to be as a listener.

Your audience hears more than just words
How your voice sounds as you're speaking provides clues to your audience about how you mean what you're saying, or indeed whether you mean it at all. When the sound of your voice is at odds with what you're trying to communicate, your effectiveness as a communicator will be compromised.

Consciously or not, people will listen to the sound of someone's voice to evaluate their state of mind, their sincerity, their conviction, and so on. Therefore, you need to be aware of how you sound as you're speaking. Are you coming across as enthusiastic or pessimistic, sincere or deceptive, open or evasive, confident or doubtful, happy or sad, relaxed or nervous, etc.?

Sometimes your audience will pick up on the sound of your voice and mirror back how they perceive you're feeling. For example, if they think you sound nervous they will be nervous about trusting you. If your voice is hesitant they might perceive you're being deceptive and/or evasive and so will not be fully open with you in return. If you don't sound happy they're not going to be happy about what you're telling them, even if it really is a good thing. This mirroring is going to happen regardless of whether the emotion they hear in your voice has anything at all to do with what you're saying. Therefore, it's important to understand how unrelated problems or issues in your life may be affecting your current state of mind and actively work to prevent these outside influences from hampering your effectiveness as a communicator.

Good communicators are aware of the sound of their voice at all times and consciously work to prevent any negative thoughts and emotions from accidently slipping into their communication. For example, if you don't particularly like who you're speaking to, it could show through in the tone of your voice even though you've kept your words carefully neutral. If you're feeling nervous about speaking in front of your peers but don't want them to know it, you will want to ensure your voice sounds natural as opposed to forced and that you're speaking slowly and clearly as opposed to quickly and jerkily. Your voice should also sound strong and enthusiastic to project confidence and commitment to what you're saying and you should speak loudly enough to be heard, but not perceived as threatening.

Be aware of your non-verbal cues
Think of non-verbal cues as visual signs the other party is using, consciously or not, to determine the sincerity of your message and your state of mind while delivering it. Often we are unaware that the non-verbal messages we send are contradicting the words we speak. When faced with conflicting messages, people tend to believe what another person does is more indicative of the truth than what they say. Hence the saying "actions speak louder than words" that most people in North American are familiar with. It is therefore important that our visual message be consistent with our verbal message to ensure our verbal message is believable to our audience.

Key non-verbal cues are body language (posture and motions), facial expressions, eye contact and general appearance. Following are some things to consider about each if you want to ensure consistency between the verbal and non-verbal messages you deliver to people on a daily basis.

Body language

• To encourage confidence and trust, try to keep your posture as relaxed and natural as possible at all times. A stiff posture may be interpreted by your audience as indicative of worry, concern or some other awkwardness or discomfort with the situation. However, there is such a thing as being too relaxed - if you slump you could be seen as indifferent or uncaring. As a general rule, the more formal the communication, the more erect your posture should be, without appearing stiff and uncomfortable.
• Arms crossed in front of you will make you appear closed off and guarded about the situation. In contrast, leaning your body slightly into the conversation with your arms open in front of you will indicate interest and openness.
• Slumping your shoulders, particularly if you're delivering or receiving bad news, could convey defeat, so keep your shoulders up and square if you want to appear strong and vibrant to your audience.
• Fidgeting or nervous gestures (jerky movements, tapping fingers, jiggling coins) are distracting and will give the impression you're uncomfortable or perhaps hiding something. On the other hand, smooth flowing gestures with an open hand are indicative of interest, involvement and enthusiasm. Be careful with using too many gestures when speaking. While body movement can be used to complement and reinforce the verbal message, it should never distract from it.
• The position of your body can sometimes make a difference. For example, sitting directly across the table from someone could be interpreted as challenging or competitive behaviour, depending on the situation. Sitting beside them instead may be seen as a desire to work cooperatively.
• Facing someone directly when you're speaking to them indicates interest and respect, whereas not looking at someone when you're speaking to them might be interpreted as disrespectful. Therefore, when seated in group situations, be sure to turn your head and body so that you are looking directly at someone when you're addressing them specifically. When speaking to the group in general, make brief eye contact with as many of the members as possible.
• When addressing individuals or groups from a different culture, it's a good idea to research what types of gestures or behaviours are considered unacceptable. For example, in North America we point with our index finger, which is considered rude in many parts of Asia, where the entire hand is used to point.

Facial expressions

• Facial expression conveys emotional state. Therefore, keep in mind that unless you consciously control your own facial expression it's going to show how you're feeling inside rather than how you might want others to believe you are feeling. So if you don't want the interviewer for your dream job to know how anxious, scared or filled with self-doubt you are during the interview process, take active steps to project an air of confidence instead.
• A smile, while not always appropriate for every communication situation, is generally better received than a frown or a stone cold, expressionless face and will therefore better encourage more open and honest communication between people. Whatever the situation, your own expression should support the message you are trying to convey. So if you want someone to believe you truly are sympathetic to their concerns, try not to smile or giggle in a serious situation even though what they are saying is making you feel uncomfortable.
• Mirroring another person's facial expression often helps establish an initial connection with them because you're showing them you understand how they are feeling. So if they look surprised and then you mirror that surprise along with "Really? Tell me more", they are more likely to open up and tell you what you need to know so you can better address the situation.
• Effective listeners use facial expressions to provide appropriate feedback which lets the speaker know they are truly listening. Appropriate feedback includes sitting up straight and looking directly at the speaker, nodding now and then to indicate understanding and/or provide encouragement, and smiling, frowning or laughing at appropriate points to show one is still paying attention.
• If you truly can't stop your face from expressing what you're feeling inside, it may not be a good idea to lie about your emotional state if you think this will only make matters worse. If you are able to tell someone you are angry in a calm voice and without freaking out on them, most people will at least respect your honesty, even if they're not happy about the way you're reacting to what they're saying.
• Just like with body language, some facial expressions may not be appropriate across all cultures. For example, in some cultures it's normal to emphasize one's emotions with exaggerated facial expressions and in other cultures it's more socially acceptable to downplay emotions of any nature.

Eye contact

• When speaking with people, it's respectful and polite (in most cultures) to make eye contact periodically throughout the conversation. How often and for how long the eye contact is maintained differs by culture.
• While maintaining eye contact for too long could be construed as overly aggressive or challenging, avoiding eye contact completely by averting your eyes may give the impression you are not being 100% truthful and/or you have something to hide.
• It's normal during conversation to glance away from someone and then back at them again on a regular basis. This back and forth action helps ensure that your eye contact is not misinterpreted as challenging behaviour. Try to transition back and forth as naturally as possible and observe the other person's body language to gauge the frequency and duration of eye contact they are most comfortable with.
• Use eye contact to judge whether or not your audience is still engaged with the conversation. Making eye contact periodically will help keep your audience focused on your message.
• Effective listeners also use eye contact to show they are still paying attention and are still interested in what the speaker has to say.

Appearance

• Dressing appropriately for the occasion is indicative of respect and also shows how someone perceives herself socially compared to the rest of the group. Particularly in business, the more formal the dress, the higher up the social scale they rank, or would like to be ranked.
• Our choice of clothing, hairstyle, jewellery, etc. sends a message to others about how we perceive ourselves, which affects how others perceive us. This in turn will affect how they choose to interact with us.
• People tend to be more comfortable interacting with those individuals they believe are most like themselves. Therefore, dressing similarly to the rest of the group will make it easier to be accepted so that group members will be more willing to interact openly with you. In contrast, people who choose to dress differently than the social norm are more likely to be viewed with suspicion and mistrust.

Final thoughts
Whether in the role of speaker or listener, effective communicators work hard to stay focused on the task at hand, which is to ensure that the speaker's message is accurately received and understood by the listener.

• Effective communicators try hard not to let anyone or anything distract them. They refrain from looking out the window or at whatever else might be going on in the room. They avoid being drawn into other side conversations when listening in a group setting. They don't mentally prepare their rebuttal until they're sure they've heard everything the other person has to say.
• Effective communicators pay attention to non-verbal cues to gauge how closely someone is listening and understanding the intent of the message. They are prepared to change tactics on the fly if it appears their current approach isn't proving effective.
• Effective communicators are conscious of their own non-verbal cues and ensure their body language and facial expressions are open and inviting and encourage interaction. They nod occasionally to let the other party know they're interested and fully engaged.
• Effective communicators ask questions and offer recaps to ensure the other party is still focused and accurately comprehending what is being said, and that both parties are getting all the information they need.

Effective communication is an important skill to master as it will have a major impact on the quality of your business and personal relationships. Life does not exist in a vacuum, and therefore how well you communicate with others will be reflective of how well you fare in life in general.

If you want to be all you can be, you need to be an independent thinker who can examine an issue from all angles and use your creativity and ingenuity to critically evaluate how best to resolve it. Unfortunately, for many people this is easier said than done. That's because many outside influences actively work to prevent us from questioning the status quo, which hinders the development of critical thought.

Think about it. Our parents teach us their perception of how the world works, religion indoctrinates us with His perception of how the world is supposed to work, our education system reinforces currently prevailing beliefs and values, employers reward specific attitudes and behaviours, and all the while media advertising is persuading us that consumption is the key to happiness and success.

These influences are so pervasive that most people are oblivious to their existence and so don't realize the impact they have on a given individual's thought patterns and thus their choices in life. However, everybody is different and so this pressure to conform creates all sorts of stress (and often guilt) in people's lives. Therefore, if you want to be uniquely you and be totally comfortable with who you are, you need to know your own mind and not allow anyone else to tell you how to think or be.

This is especially true in your professional life if you want to advance your career. While followers are an important and necessary part of any company, they are seldom rewarded to the same degree as independent thinkers who are not afraid to voice their opinion, even if it challenges the status quo.

Yet challenging the status quo is sometimes difficult to do, regardless of whether you are new to your company or you've been there for quite some time. Human beings tend to be creatures of habit and so it's in our nature to resist change. However, though your company might have followed certain procedures for some time, just because something is tradition doesn't make it right. And just because a solution satisfies a problem doesn't mean it's the only solution, or the best solution.

Don't be afraid to stand alone in your ideas if you truly believe in them. Granted this is often difficult to do, but if your thinking is not limited by other people's opinions and expectations then you will find the confidence to stand firm by your convictions despite the pressure of others to conform to the status quo. As long as you are respectful of others when you voice your opinion and do not get defensive when they challenge it, your quiet confidence may inspire them to listen. If it doesn't, don't give up, because there's always next time.

There is often a reluctance for a work team (whether at the management or employee level) to engage in healthy debate, particularly if the group has been together for an extended period, because no one wants to rock the boat and put the group's camaraderie at risk. But since no two people think alike, without debate at least some of the team members are not thinking independently, or else they are afraid to share what's on their mind. Either way, they are not being all they can be by contributing to their full potential.

If you find the thought of speaking up in a group setting a little intimidating, it may help if you remember that when it comes to debate, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong per se. What matters, particularly at the management level, is that all viable options are fully explored and evaluated. The best way to ensure this happens is for everyone to examine an issue from their own unique perspective and share their thoughts with the rest of the group.

I would argue that you have a responsibility to your company, but more importantly to yourself, to think your own thoughts and not be afraid to voice them. While it is often tempting to avoid potential conflict by following the will of the group, take it from someone who's been there that not thinking for yourself can become habit a lot quicker than you might think.

As General Patton* once said, "If everybody is thinking alike then somebody isn't thinking." Don't let that somebody be you!

*George S. Patton (November 11, 1885 - December 21, 1945) was a United States Army officer best known for his leadership while commanding corps and armies as a general during World War II. He was also well known for his eccentricity and controversial outspokenness. (Source: Wikipedia)

As a follow up to my December 2010 blog, this article is about "finding yourself", a critical component of self-empowerment. Why is it so important? Well, knowing who you are, what makes you happy and what builds and sustains your sense of self-worth will allow you to proactively create the life you believe will bring you the most happiness and the greatest sense of inner peace and fulfillment. In other words, when you know who you are you can truly be yourself, and also be all you can be. And that's what self-empowerment is really all about.

In my December blog, I defined self-empowerment as follows:

Self-empowerment is the process by which you take personal responsibility for your happiness and well-being by pro-actively making decisions that are best for you, regardless of what anyone else thinks you should do. It is the understanding that you have the right to make these decisions, and that no one else has the right to fault you for making them. It is the acceptance that you and you alone will bear any and all consequences of your decisions and the knowledge that you can and will successfully deal with any problems that may arise. It is the pride and satisfaction that comes from knowing you're doing your life your way.

Self-empowerment cannot be granted to you by anyone else; self-empowerment comes from within. Self-empowerment is an attitude and a mindset which helps you develop a clear vision of what you need to do to maximize your full potential in all aspects of your life, and then motivates you to act on it.

It's a rather long winded explanation of my take on self-empowerment, to be sure, but the most important thing to remember is that it is about taking personal responsibility for your own happiness and well-being. Making decisions about the direction your life should take is much easier when you are confident you know where you need and want to go. So the better you know yourself and what you want, the more confidently you can make these types of decisions. And that's why it's so important to "find yourself".

However, that's not to say that you can't be self-empowered until you've somehow found yourself. But it is easier and less stressful making important life decisions when you know yourself well enough to be confident the decision you are making is the right one for you. And the more confident you feel you are doing what it best for you, the less inclined you will be to allow family and friends (or social norms and restrictions) to overly influence your choices in life.

Of course you don't live in your own little bubble independent of everyone else around you; of necessity there must always be some give and take in your relationships with the people close to you. But in order to avoid excessive stress in your life and feelings of resentment towards those you care about, you need to be clear in your mind how far you are willing to compromise your morals, integrity, goals and aspirations in order to appease others. And you can't be clear on these boundaries until you intimately understand where you stand on them.

So finding yourself is about understanding who you are as a person in terms of your personal values, beliefs and ideals and then applying this knowledge to determine what you want for yourself out of life. It is your right, and your responsibility, to do so. Please rest assured that is not selfish of you to think about what you want from life independent of what your spouse, children or other family members expect of you. After all, the better you know yourself, the more open and genuine you can be with your family, which is what they truly deserve, isn't it?

There is no one "right" way to find yourself. There are many alternate paths that will get you where you need to go, although some paths will be more direct and therefore faster than others. A conscious, proactive approach will allow you to learn about who you are much faster and with significantly less "growing pains" than a trial and error method whereby life mistakes teach you about who you are not.

A conscious, proactive approach means setting aside some quality time on a regular basis to seriously contemplate who you are, what you stand for, what is important to you, what you therefore want to do with your life and how you are going to accomplish these things. It is important to analyze the "what" separately from the "how", because they really are two different issues. Focusing too early on the "how" could very likely prevent you from spending enough time on the "what", so that you miss identifying a number of key opportunities open to you. When soul searching, the "how" is really quite irrelevant until the "what" has been fully decided upon.

Quite frankly, the "how" part of the soul searching and planning process can be intimidating for many, because the thought of trying something new and unknown can be quite scary. Fear can cause a person to dismiss a really great idea (i.e. the "what") when perhaps all they needed to do was plan an alternate approach (i.e. a different "how"). So don't dwell on the "how" when you're supposed to be thinking of the "what". There will be plenty of time for that later.

But when it does come time to develop the "how", it is important to consider your strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, interests, skills and abilities so that your action plan will be realistic. Do you have all the skills you need to move forward, or do you need to first develop some of them? Does what you want to do conflict with prior obligations or expectations of family members, and if so how do you go about negotiating a solution that everyone can accept? There is always more than one way to accomplish something, so take the time to think of as many creative options as you can. Then you can pick what you feel is the best option for you, given your current circumstances.

Regardless of how you go about it, finding yourself is something you must do on your own, without allowing anyone else's opinion to influence your thoughts. You also need to carefully separate what you truly think from what you believe you are supposed to think. This can often be hard to do, because we as women internalize so much of what others think and expect of us without realizing it. So learn to question your every thought by asking yourself "is this what I really think, or is it what I'm supposed to think?"

You also need to be as honest with yourself as possible. Your self-contemplation may reveal things about yourself you don't necessarily like, but it is important to acknowledge the truth, as painful as this might be. Just keep in mind that nobody needs to know this truth but you, and that in knowing the truth you now have the opportunity to change what it is you may not like about yourself.

In addition, try to keep your mind as open as you can during this process. Don't immediately dismiss any of your thoughts as irrelevant, inappropriate or impossible, because that may in fact not be the case. Don't allow any preconceived notions about what should and shouldn't be to limit your thinking. Many of us have been taught to think in terms of black and white when in reality life consists of varying shades of grey. In other words, you might initially recognize only one or two options as being available to you, when with some imaginative thought you could easily develop eight or ten viable possibilities.

The mechanics of how you engage in the "finding yourself" process is totally up to you. Some people like to keep a journal to record their thoughts, while others like to compile lists of their strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, pros and cons, etc. and further analyze from there. If you are someone who benefits from talking things through out loud, I can tell you that cats and dogs make a great audience. They listen without saying a word to distract your train of thought, which is exactly what you need.

Depending on your own personal preference, you can either set aside a specific time period for which to think and plan, or decide to do so spontaneously whenever you're in the mood.

If you're not sure where to start, it's often been suggested that you think about what you would like others to say about you when you're gone. How you would like to be remembered can be an important clue about the type of person you would like to be while you're still alive. Remember to incorporate the word "because" into your imaginary statements. For example, "Jane was such a pleasure to be around because..." or "Mary was a fantastic mother because..." or "Nancy was the smartest (or kindest, or toughest, or most competent, etc.) woman I ever knew because..." It's what comes after the "because" in your imagination that's important since it will provide insight into the type of qualities you value and therefore would value in yourself.

Another great place to start is with some open ended higher level thoughts, such as what makes you feel good about yourself, and what interests you and/or fuels your passions? If you had all the time and money in the world to do whatever you wanted, what would you choose to do? Relax, let your mind wander, and have fun!

Obviously you are going to have a lot to think about, so don't expect to cover it all and know yourself inside out in one afternoon. The process of learning about what makes you tick is not easy and you may feel awkward or even a little frustrated at first. But do persevere, because you will get better with practise and the payoff is substantial. For it's only once you know who you truly are that you will fully understand who you have the potential to become.

Small talk is casual conversation that allows two people to find common ground upon which to build a relationship. The nature of this relationship will depend in large part upon the situation. For example, if you're at your son's hockey team banquet, the relationship may not progress any further than casual acquaintance. However, if you're at a business networking event, this is your opportunity to use small talk to build your professional contacts.

The thought of engaging in small talk with complete strangers can be quite daunting to people who are shy. However, the art of small talk is an important skill to have. It allows you to come across as a more open and friendly person, so that you will make more friends and have more fun at social functions. Not only that, but a study by the Stanford University School of Business which tracked MBAs for 10 years after they graduated showed that their ability to converse with others had more bearing on their ultimate success than their grade point averages. Therefore, developing your small talk skills is a worthwhile endeavor that will provide a huge payoff for you both personally and professionally.

To effectively master the art of small talk, here are some key concepts you need to keep in mind:

• Understand that making small talk isn't some sort of strategy to make people think you care about what they have to say. Small talk is about making people feel comfortable enough to open up so that both parties can determine whether any further relationship is worth developing. It's about being genuinely interested in the other party so that you can fairly evaluate whether you want to continue speaking with them. The small talk thus continues until you decide it's time to move on, which you would then do after making a gracious exit. (To exit graciously, be direct without being rude. Politely excuse yourself and provide a reason for leaving, i.e. you need to use the restroom or you see someone with whom you haven't spoken in a while. Thank them for taking the time to speak with you, and let them know you look forward to continuing the conversation at a later time.)
• Focus on making the other person feel comfortable, rather than on your own feelings of nervousness or awkwardness, for two reasons. When you focus on the other person, you'll feel less self conscious and so reaching out to others will be easier. In addition, the more comfortable your partner feels the more talking they're likely to do, which means you won't have to do as much to keep the conversation going!
• Your body language is important. If you look ill at ease you will make the other person feel awkward and uncomfortable too. So try to look and act confident, even if you're not truly feeling that way. Smile and ensure your hand shake is firm. Be sure to state your name clearly (nervous people tend to speak more quietly) so the other person is confident they heard your name correctly. Having your elevator pitch ready will increase your confidence when introducing yourself. (See my article Everybody Needs an Elevator Pitch.)
• Your style of dress is also important. Not only will you feel more confident if you've dressed appropriately for an event, others will feel more comfortable speaking with you. When someone has yet to meet you, they can only go by appearance to evaluate whether they want to talk to you or not. The more you look like you fit in with the crowd, the more inclined they will be to engage in conversation with you.
• Finding common ground increases the comfort level of both parties. We all feel more comfortable talking to someone we believe we have something in common with. One way to establish common ground is to ask about someone's connection to the event host/hostess and then sharing your own. You are then mutually connected via your respective relationships with the host or hostess. Another method is to determine common hobbies or interests, which allows you to converse on a subject which both of you enjoy talking about.
• Be yourself so that you come across as relaxed and natural. Allow the conversation to flow naturally, and don't be too quick to change the subject as the other party may still have something they want to share with you. Wait until the conversation stalls completely before jumping to a new topic.
• Know when to stop talking. Some people talk too much when they're nervous, while others like to talk too much about themselves. You need to allow others the opportunity to speak as well so they will feel you're talking with them as opposed to talking at them.
• Hone your listening skills. So many people are so busy planning out what they're going to say next that they don't fully absorb what anyone else is saying. These people can miss a twist in the conversation and then end up saying something that's no longer relevant. They also miss valuable clues about the speaker that can lead to them say something that's inappropriate. Even if they do neither, most people can sense when someone isn't really listening to what they're saying. The natural tendency is to then withdraw from the conversation and move on to someone who shows more interest.
• On the other hand, when you are fully listening to what your partner is saying, you can use what you hear to steer the conversation in a direction you would like it to go. For example, if someone says that one of their favourite pastimes is going out to the movies and you'd like to know what's currently playing that's worth seeing, you can ask for their opinion.
• Show the other party you're paying attention and are still interested in what they have to say by maintaining non-threatening eye contact and nodding your head occasionally. The bottom line is the more "interested" you are in someone, the more "interesting" you will be to them. It's only natural for people to feel flattered by your interest and to respond by being more interested in you.
• Keep the conversation light. Small talk is not the time for deep discussions on serious issues. People are usually not comfortable sharing such intimate information about themselves with strangers. The ones willing to do so are often quite opinionated and thus can be confrontational if you don't agree with them. A heated argument is definitely not small talk, and it will make everyone else around you quite uncomfortable.
• Ask open ended questions that require more than a simple "yes" or "no" to answer. This will allow you to respond with an additional question or a statement of your own so that the conversation keeps rolling forward. On the other hand, if you ask a closed ended question that is answered with only a "yes" or a "no", there will be an awkward pause in the conversation until you think of another question to ask.
• Be positive. No one likes a "negative Nelly", which is someone who finds fault with everything. Very few people are interested in hearing about some stranger's (i.e. your) problems or complaints, and so will excuse themselves the first opportunity they get and then avoid you like the plague thereafter. They may even warn other people to avoid you as well.
• Remember that great conversations and good connections can be just around the corner. So even if you're feeling nervous and a little out of your element, take that chance and reach out to someone. You may have to try several people before someone responds, but when they do you may end up having a wonderful conversation that turns what could have been a boring event into a really great time.
• On the other hand, don't try to force the conversation if you sense you're not connecting with the other party. Relax and try to have fun. You can't connect with everyone, so if it doesn't seem to be working then politely excuse yourself and move on to someone else.

Often it will be up to you to start the conversation rolling. Below are some suggested conversation topics that should be "safe" in most situations. I suggest you stay away from politics, religion and any other subject matter to which people can be emotionally attached, as some individuals can become extremely defensive (and sometimes antagonistic) if your opinion doesn't match theirs. If you happen to find yourself in this type of situation, I suggest you apologize for unintentionally offending them (even if you don't understand why they are upset) and quickly move on before it gets ugly.

While laughter is always a great ice-breaker amongst strangers, be cautious about playing the comedian. People have different ideas about what is humorous, and so what you think is a funny joke may be offensive to someone else. In particular, avoid anything that could be considered racial, prejudicial or sexual in nature.

I suggest you avoid any discussion regarding finances, including how much people make, how much they own and owe, etc. Also, it's not a good idea to try selling something to someone you just met. (I generally avoid mentioning that I'm a Mary Kay Consultant when I first meet someone for that reason, although sometimes it's amusing to watch a person's guard instantly come up the moment I mention it.)

1. Current events - Ensure you are up to date on the latest news and sports so you can converse intelligently about them. Tune into the evening news or review sites such as CNN.com regularly to catch the major headlines. Research current hot topics regarding health and other important issues that most people are generally interested in. Subscribe to Internet newsletters or blogs on various topics so that you can converse intelligently on a wide variety of subjects with confidence. Learn a little about everything so that no matter what the other person is interested in you'll be able to talk about it. (This is particularly useful in group small talk situations where you won't necessarily have the opportunity to choose the subject.) But even if it's abundantly clear you know more about a particular subject than your partner(s), be sure to let them share their opinion and be respectful of it. No one likes a know-it-all, which is exactly what you will sound like if after they state their opinion you quickly follow up with "Yes, but..."
2. Share a personal story - Talk about your experience at a new restaurant, the outstanding service at your favourite salon, the great movie you recently saw, and so on. Remember to tell positive stories only; no one likes to listen to complaints. People have enough problems of their own without being forced to listen to someone else's. Also, remember to keep it short. Try to include only enough details to get the point of the story across; anything else will be too long winded and people will quickly lose interest.
3. Ask about hobbies or interests - What do they like to do for fun? Have they seen any good movies lately? What's their favourite TV show? What's their ideal vacation spot? What sorts of books do they like to read? Do they like to cook, and if so where do they find their best recipes?
4. Ask about their profession - Where do they work and what do they do? What do they like most about their job? What are their future plans?
5. Ask about their education - Where did they go to college or university? What did they like/dislike about the institution? What were their most/least favourite courses?
6. Ask about their family - But in a general sense only, such as "do you have children?" Don't ask too many personal details or you could come across as nosey and overly prying. That's the quickest way to make people clam up about themselves.
7. Ask where they were born and raised - If they're not local, ask what brought them to where they are currently living. Which city (or province) do they like best? What if anything do they miss about their home town?
8. Compliment something - If you like someone's outfit, or their purse or shoes, let them know and even ask where they purchased it. Most people are quite willing to share their favourite shopping spots, which can be quite useful information for you. You could then turn the conversation to the latest fashion and trends, if that's something you are interested in.
9. Follow up on comments - If someone says they had a great day, ask them to elaborate. Likewise, if they're feeling tired, ask them why. People will appreciate your interest, and it may give you a chance to share your own similar experiences so that you can both learn from each other.
10. Follow up on past conversations - If you already know the person and remember something from a previous conversation, bring it up. Perhaps they had been planning a holiday abroad, or maybe they were extremely busy at work or someone they know was ill. Ask them if things are any better yet. This will show the other person you cared enough to remember, prompting them to care more about you in return.
11. Talking about the weather can be boring, but if you're desperate it can help get the conversation started. One possible approach is "We're having such great weather these days, aren't we? Do you have any plans for the weekend?" Alternatively, you could always use the weather to lead into questions about favourite outdoor activities.

The best way to hone your small talk skills is to practice them on a regular basis. Opportunities to do so are everywhere - in the doctor's office, at the dog park, waiting in the grocery store line up, during community events, and so on. Practice builds confidence, and as you become more relaxed and more comfortable speaking with strangers you will find it easier to think of things to say. Before you know it, you'll be an expert at making effective small talk with just about anyone, anywhere, any time!

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, an Elevator Pitch is a short and succinct presentation that outlines what sets you apart from your peers and makes you special. It's called an Elevator Pitch because you should be able to deliver it within the time span of an average elevator trip, anywhere from thirty seconds to two minutes.

Elevator Pitches are often associated with business activities such as investment proposals, sales calls, networking opportunities, and so on. But they also apply equally to personal situations, including your own.

Why Everybody Needs an Elevator Pitch
At some point we are all called upon to introduce ourselves and say a few words about what we do. This might be during a business meeting or social event, trade show, conference, or job interview situation. It could also be during family gatherings or casual encounters with people you meet at the local health club, your kids' sports games, weddings, personal interest classes or workshops, volunteer activities, high school reunions, travel vacations, and the like.

Having a prepared Elevator Pitch allows you to present yourself in the best possible light in any of the above situations so that people perceive you as you truly are. Consider the following:

• Many people are extremely uncomfortable when put on the spot to talk about themselves. They may therefore simply state their name and occupation and then stop speaking. The audience is then forced to fill in the blanks with their own preconceived stereotype about the type of personality someone in that particular occupation likely has. If it's not a personality type the audience is particularly interested in socializing with, they will quickly move on to someone else who they think might be more interesting. This leaves the person standing there alone, feeling both awkward and rejected, which makes it even harder to introduce themselves to the next individual who comes along. However, knowing what to say when speaking about oneself allows the speaker to say it with confidence, and in a way that will capture audience attention and encourage additional dialogue. The speaker will be remembered as an interesting person with whom it would be pleasurable to socialize with in the future.
• Often when called upon to speak, people will ramble on a bit as they struggle to figure out what to say. It doesn't take long for the audience to become bored and impatient, and thus eager to move on. The audience may even make a mental note to avoid the speaker in the future because of it. However, when a person pre-plans what to say, they can ensure it's short and sweet, and directly to the point without hesitation or repetition. This will help prevent their audience from tuning out and moving on at the first available opportunity.
• A well thought out introduction will allow you to present yourself in such a way that people will want to know more about you. I'm not talking about a sales pitch, but rather a unique way of presenting the truth about who you are that will grab and hold someone's attention because your approach is different and therefore interesting. You then have the opportunity to continue speaking so that you can accomplish your ultimate objective, whether that's to secure the sale, get the job or make a new friend.

Types of Elevator Pitches
How you present yourself is going to depend on who you're speaking with, why you're speaking with them and what exactly you hope to gain from the conversation. Because your objective will vary by situation, your Elevator Pitch also needs to be situational specific.

For example, during an initial job interview your objective will most likely be to get the second interview. At a networking event you will want to position yourself as someone who is worth cultivating for a potential opportunity down the road. At your cousin's wedding you might want to present yourself as someone who's relaxed, easy going and both fun and interesting to talk to... or you may wish to totally impress your cousin's new brother-in-law who's both single and gorgeous!

Although in each of these cases you will most certainly want to be remembered in a positive light, you will want to be remembered for different reasons. After all, while promoting yourself as a strategic thinker whose new purchasing policy immediately saved your current employer tens of thousands of dollars is the type of information that will capture the attention of an interviewer, it's not likely your cousin's friends (or her single and gorgeous brother-in-law) will be equally as impressed.

Aside from content, depending on the situation, your Elevator Pitch will also need to vary in length. In casual situations only one or two sentences might be required, but in a more formal setting you may be expected to provide additional detail.

Quintessential Careers' Creative Director Katharine Hansen talks about two distinct types of elevator pitches - the short "sound bite" (15-30 seconds) and the longer "commercial" (1-3 minutes). Done well, your sound bite will hook your audience so they will want to hear your commercial.

Ms. Hansen offers two interesting examples of sound bites which hook:

• Hi, my name is _________. I make dreams come true. (Wedding Planner)
• Hi, my name is _________. I'm responsible for this country's future. (Teacher)

Personally, if someone were to make either of these statements to me, I'd most definitely be curious and odds are quite good I would ask for an explanation. However, after such a bold statement, the commercial which followed had better be equally impressive or "how cool" would change to "how corny" real quick.

Done right, and in the right situation, I think the above two approaches are wonderful. I know I would certainly remember each speaker as someone who had impressed me with their unique perspective on what for so many other people is simply a job.

Developing Your Own Elevator Pitch
There are various approaches for developing an Elevator Pitch, but the end result must always be reflective of your personality so that your Pitch flows naturally, without sounding stilted or rehearsed. When you are comfortable with what you're saying, you will automatically feel more confident and relaxed, and of course as the conversation continues your words and actions will be consistent with your initial Pitch. You will therefore come across as honest and genuine.

On the other hand, if you were to carefully craft an Elevator Pitch that presents you as an outgoing, bubbly person and then not say another word for the rest of the night because in actual fact you are painfully shy, you will most certainly be seen as phony and insincere.

Tony Jeary, author of Life is a Series of Presentations, offers the following general formula for developing an Elevator Pitch that will apply to just about any situation:

1. Define your audience universe.
2. Define your content or subject matter.
3. Define your objective.
4. Define your desired image or style.
5. Define your key message.

In other words, know who you're talking to so that you make sure what you're saying is both appropriate and relevant to your audience. The last thing you want is for your audience to be thinking "so what?" in their head after you've spoken.

You also need to decide exactly what you want to talk about. Will it be work related or more personal in nature? What is it that you and your audience have in common - a mutual interest, hobby or friend? What issue(s) does your audience have that you might be able to resolve?

When considering your objective, ask yourself what exactly you're trying to accomplish. What specific action, if any, do you want your audience to take? Do you want the potential employer to hire you? The new friend you just made at the gym to work out with you again next week? The great guy you just met to ask you out on a date?

How does personal image or style affect your communication? Are you positioning yourself as an expert? Problem solver? Facilitator? Reliable friend? Outgoing? Introspective? Funny? Serious? Is a formal or a casual approach the more appropriate?

Based on the previous 4 points, what is the most important thing you can say to your audience that will set you apart from everyone else in your profession, hobby or other area of expertise? What differentiates you from others who do the exact same thing you do?

As you can see, there are endless ways to tell people how unique and special you are, so have fun with it! But do remember this is not a sales pitch. People don't like to be sold, particularly in social situations. So think of your Elevator Pitch as more like an explanation of what makes you uniquely you.

Also, try not to get too fancy with your words. Instead, use short simple sentences for each idea. The simpler the language, the less rehearsed it will sound and the more powerful the message will be.

speech-topics-help.com offers the following checklist for fine tuning your Elevator Pitch.

Checklist for Fine Tuning Your Elevator Pitch

1. First write down all what comes up in your mind.
2. Then cut the jargon and details. Make strong short and powerful sentences. Eliminate unnecessary words.
3. Connect the phrases to each other. Your elevator address has to flow natural and smoothly. Don't rush.
4. Memorize the key points and practice your talk.
5. Have you really answered the key question of your listener: What's in it for me?
6. Create different versions for different business situations of your elevator speech.

Final Thoughts
Developing an effective Elevator Pitch takes a lot of introspective thought, so don't get discouraged if your mind comes up blank at the beginning. Most people aren't used to thinking about themselves in this way, so it may take some time to develop the right mind set. Also keep in mind that practice makes perfect, so don't stress out if you don't get it exactly right the first time.

Delivery can be just as important as content, so make sure you believe in what you're saying about yourself. This way you'll be more passionate and more convincing. Rewrite your Pitch a few times to make sure you are making your point in as few words as possible, using simple, direct language.

Consider memorizing your speech, or at least the key points, so that you'll be able to say it more naturally and without hesitation. Practice in front of the mirror or in the car, try it out for size on your dog or cat, or perhaps run it past a trusted friend. This type of preparation builds confidence.

Remember, whatever you say in a business or social situation can work for or against you, so the more prepared you are the better off you'll be. Although developing an Elevator Pitch might sound like a lot of work and bother, odds are having one will work better for you than just "winging it" whenever you're called upon to speak about yourself in public.

For some additional thoughts on how to create effective Elevator Pitches for job interview situations, I suggest you check out this article on WellesleyCollege.com for a review of the 3 P's of personal marketing (previous experience, portable skills you bring with you, personal traits/passion) and how to incorporate them into your job interview Elevator Pitch. A worksheet to help you develop your Elevator Pitch is included. Certified resume writer, career marketing expert, and personal branding strategist Michelle Dumas offers some additional interesting ideas about how to create a compelling, branded Elevator Pitch here.

(Based on The Dip by Seth Godin)

We all have moments when we feel like quitting. Sometimes we do, and sometimes we hang in there simply because we've been taught that quitting is morally wrong, that it is tantamount to failing. After all, "winners never quit, and quitters never win".

However, Seth Godin sets out a pretty convincing argument that quitting is not necessarily a bad thing. He argues that one major key to success in life is the ability to quit the right stuff at the right time to free up resources which can then be refocused in a more profitable direction. Winners know when to quit and they do it often. Less successful individuals either don't recognize the warning signals that indicate it's time to quit or else they are afraid to quit.

Before starting any new project or activity, we need to carefully evaluate whether the effort will be worth the reward. Then we either commit and go all the way, or don't start. Either decision is a smart move. The really dumb thing to do is to start out and quit part way through - think about all the time, effort and resources wasted by quitting.

Of course, sometimes someone can commit to a goal and then something happens or new information comes to light that makes it impossible to succeed at what they're trying to do. At this point they need to cut their losses and quit immediately.

Dip versus Cul-de-Sac
According to Godin, there are two main curves we experience in almost any type of activity or challenge undertaken:

• The Dip - the point where the going starts to get rough and you begin to ask yourself whether it's worth it to keep on going. It's here that many people quit when if they had just been willing to hang in a little longer they would have achieved their goal.
• The Cul-de-Sac - the point where you're no longer getting anywhere and no matter what you try you're not going to move forward. Think of it as a dead end, as in dead end job. It's at this stage that people mistakenly stay the course when the smarter alternative is to quit immediately.

Getting through the Dip
Why is it so important to get through the Dip? As Godin rightfully points out, the Dip creates scarcity and scarcity creates value. Dips limit the number of individuals or groups who actually succeed in a given venture because it's human nature to quit when something starts to get painful. Those few who stay the course while everyone else quits are the ones who come out on top.

Godin refers to the individuals (and companies) who make it through the dip as "superstars" or "best in the world" for their particular market or situation. Superstars command a significant premium for their products or services. That's because people in general are both busy and risk averse, so they are willing to pay a premium for what they can confidently perceive as the best fit for their needs, whether that be the best candidate for the job, the most knowledgeable lawyer with a proven track record in a particular field, the most experienced oncologist they have access to, the safest tires on the market, the fastest and most reliable internet connection, and so on.

If it's worth doing, then it has a Dip. This applies to virtually anything in life, whether that be building a career or undertaking a new business venture, racing a marathon or running for office, nurturing one's independence or raising a child, following family tradition or pursuing one's dream.

Despite its negative connotation, the Dip is actually an ally because it provides an opportunity to pull ahead while everyone else stumbles or gives up. Where possible, you need to create a dip so long and deep that your competition can't possibly catch up. That means clearly demonstrating to the interviewer how you are the best candidate for the job, providing the best product and service in your market niche, training harder than anyone else for your marathon, etc.

So learn to embrace the challenge of the Dip, because the harder it is to get through it, the less competition you're going to face. This means not settling for "good enough" or better than average, it means striving for exceptional. Exceptional will carry you through the Dip, while good enough or average will keep you caught up in it. It's not enough to simply do all the right things, you need to do them better than everyone else.

Quitting is smarter than coping
Many of us resist the desire to quit because we've been taught that quitting is a moral failing. But quitting is not the same thing as failing. Failing is when we give up, when there are no other options open to us, or when we've quit so often we've already used up all our time and resources. On the other hand, quitting at the right time is a smart way to avoid failing.

Because we're taught that quitting is bad, rather than quit a bad situation we instead try to cope. However, coping leads to average or even mediocre performance, and there is little value in that. Average means playing it safe, doing ordinary work, and forgetting about being exceptional. So if the best you can do is cope, then you're better off quitting.

As Godin writes, "Average feels safe, but it's not. It's invisible. It's the last choice - the path of least resistance. The temptation to be average is just another kind of quitting... the kind to be avoided. You deserve better than average."

For example, if your job is a cul-de-sac (i.e. a dead end), you either have to quit or accept that your career is over. Once you've been doing the same thing for too long you become "branded" and the powers that be are less inclined to think you're capable of taking on additional challenges and responsibilities. Therefore, in order to keep moving ahead the time to switch jobs is before it starts to feel too comfortable.

However, quitting at the right time can be hard because it takes guts to quit. It's much easier to ignore reality and continue to cope rather than admit you're not going to be successful in your endeavor. It's also easier not to rock the boat and thus avoid the short term hassle of changing paths. So people settle for average or mediocre, which is a waste of their limited time and resources. They'd be much better off quitting so that they could refocus their time and attention on a more profitable and/or rewarding venture.

If pride is the only thing that's keeping you from quitting, you're probably wasting a great deal of time and energy defending something that is not going to work for you in the long run. In a situation such as this it may well be time to cut your losses by quitting and refocusing your attention on something else.

There are all kinds of ways to justify not quitting, but in the end not quitting is simply a justification for being average. Rather than settle for average, tell yourself you have two choices: either quit or find a way to be exceptional.

When to quit... and when to stay the course
In order to be successful in life, you need to focus your limited time and resources on those things which are truly important to you because they are an integral part of your personal definition of success. That means quitting a lot of other "stuff" which will distract and thus prevent you from being exceptional in those areas of your life where it's vitally important to be that way. Too many things on one's agenda leads to "coping" as opposed to "exceptional" behaviour.

Understand the difference between a tactic and a strategy. It's okay to abandon tactics that are no longer working, but changing strategies too often leads to nowhere. For example, if your strategy is to become a partner in a law firm, it's okay to change tactics by leaving a dead end job to move to another law firm with more growth potential. However, if you suddenly decide you were going to change strategies and become a partner in an accounting firm, that would require starting over from the bottom. So it's important to choose your strategies carefully (so that you don't need to change them too often), and be flexible regarding changing tactics if necessary.

Quitting a Cul-de-Sac situation is not a moral failing, it's smart. However, quitting in the Dip is generally not a good idea. The temptation to quit usually happens when a person focuses on the short term situation rather than the long term benefits. Never quit something with long term potential because you can't deal with the stress of the moment. Things have a way of working out, as long as you don't panic. Quitting due to panic can be dangerous and costly. Keep in mind you can always quit later if you still need to, once the panic has subsided and you can think a little more clearly.

Decide in advance under what circumstances you will quit in a given situation, write it down and stick with it. When you're under duress it's hard to recognize the difference between a Dip and a Cul-de-Sac, so having some pre-established guidelines to refer back to will help you identify which curve you're presently on so that you can take appropriate action.

Stick with the Dips that are likely to work out. If it was worth doing when you started out, odds are it's still worth doing. Don't waste the time and resources you've already invested unless absolutely necessary. On the other hand, here are four situations where it does make sense to quit:

• the Dip has turned into a Cul-de-Sac;
• the time and effort it's going to take to get through the Dip is no longer worth the reward;
• you realize you are not going to be exceptional compared to your competition;
• you realize you have too many things on the go to be exceptional at all of them.

While you're in the Dip, you're either moving uphill, stalled or falling behind. As long as you continue to make some sort of measurable progress, you are well advised to stay the course. Otherwise, it may be time to rethink your current tactics.

To get through the Dips, you need to quit all the Cul-de-Sacs which are needlessly tying up your resources. While it can be tempting to diversify by trying different things to see which of them will pan out, there is a tendency to wind up being mediocre in all areas because you are truly focused on none of them. Yet focus is most definitely required if you are to successfully navigate through each Dip in the road ahead of you.

In addition, Godin emphasizes you must understand and accept you need to quit the wrong stuff, stick with the right stuff and find the guts to do one or the other.

For additional insight into this very important topic, I highly recommend you read The Dip by Seth Godin, which is available from Chapters Online for $12.80 (as of December 3rd, 2009).

(Based on Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.)

According to Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. and public speaker and author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, fear is epidemic in our society and it holds all of us back from fulfilling our potential to be so much more than we are and experiencing life the way we want to experience it. However, the good news is Susan also believes that with education we can retrain our minds to accept that fear is more a fact of life rather than a barrier to success. This article about overcoming fear is based on her book, which I highly recommend as standard reading for everyone. If you believe fear is holding you back from being all you can be, then read this book. If you have a partner, a child or a friend who is afraid to make changes in his or her life, then convince them to read this book. It's a real eye opener!

Fear may be situation oriented - something might happen to us (such as aging, becoming disabled, loss of financial security, illness, etc.) or we might have to do something (such as going back to school, changing careers, asserting oneself, ending or beginning a relationship, etc.). Fear may also be related to our inner state of mind (i.e. fear of rejection, success, failure, being vulnerable or conned, helplessness, loss of image, etc.).

However, at the base of every single one of our fears is the simple belief that we can't handle what life brings us. The above situational and state of mind fears therefore actually translate to:

• I can't handle aging.
• I can't handle becoming disabled.
• I can't handle loss of financial security.
• I can't handle illness.
• I can't handle rejection.
• I can't handle success.
• I can't handle failure.
• I can't handle being vulnerable or conned.
• I can't handle being helpless.
• I can't handle losing face.
• etc.

Yes, any of the above can be a scary thing so it's not surprising that fear often stops people from taking chances and thus prevents them from reaching for their dreams. As a result, too many people live what they perceive to be safe, but relatively unfulfilling lives. At some level they know something is missing but because they are afraid to risk changing anything (kind of like the saying "it's better the devil you know than the devil you don't"), they become resigned to their "lot in life". Consequently, depression permeates their life (whether they are always conscious of it or not) and colours everything they think, say and do. Sooner or later they stop caring about their appearance, their health, lose their motivation to do much of anything, and project a very negative outlook on life. I'm sure everyone knows someone like that.

But the really great news is that it doesn't have to be that way! If people knew they could handle anything that came their way, then what would they possibly have to fear? The answer, my friend, is NOTHING!!!!

Think about it, and think carefully. This is a very powerful concept - one that has the power to change your life if you can acknowledge, accept and internalize it. It's certainly changed mine.

When you acknowledge, understand and internalize this "basic truth" about fear, you will also understand that in order to conquer or move past your own fears you need to develop an unwavering trust and faith in your ability to handle whatever comes your way. Then whenever you do experience fear, you can move past it by reminding yourself  "I can handle it".

Fear will never go away and everyone experiences it. Those individuals who learn to move past it are those who have also learned to believe in themselves and their ability to handle whatever challenges life throws at them.

There are three basic lessons that can be taken from this:

1. You are fooling yourself if you say "when I feel better about myself, I'll do it". More often than not, you'll never feel "better" enough to "take that chance" and so telling yourself this is an excuse to give into your fear and not do anything. "When I feel better about myself, I'll do it" is a mix up of reality since chances are you won't feel better about yourself until you do in fact do it. In other words, "when I feel better about myself, I'll do it" is faulty logic that programs you for failure.
2. Since you can't wait for fear to go away before taking any chances, the only way you can get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it. So take a deep breath, centre yourself and then DO IT! Success will fuel your confidence so that the next time you experience fear you won't be quite as overwhelmed and paralyzed.
3. Fear will never go away as long as you continue to grow. So unless you want to stay exactly where you're at now in all areas of your life for the rest of your life, you are going to experience fear on a regular basis. Accept fear as a natural consequence of living and learn to move past it so that growing as a person is fun and exciting rather than horrible and scary.

The bottom line is that if you want to go out and experience all the wonderful things life has to offer without fear holding you back, you need to retrain your way of thinking about fear so that you learn how to control fear rather than let fear control you. Part Two of this article will discuss how to do just that.

(Based on Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.)

Part One of this article concluded by stating that if you want to go out and experience all the wonderful things life has to offer without fear holding you back, you need to retrain your way of thinking about fear so that you learn how to control fear rather than let fear control you.

But before you can learn to control fear, you first need to take responsibility for your life, including all your various fears. Doing so means understanding, believing and accepting that you and you alone are responsible for how you react to everything that happens in your life. Although you may not always be responsible for what happens to you, you are in complete and total control of how you choose to deal with whatever comes your way.

Why is it so important to take responsibility for your own life in order to control fear? Because if you don't accept responsibility for all aspects of your life, somewhere along the way you'll be playing a victim. Victims are powerless. And since the basis of all fear lies in the belief we can't handle what might happen, being powerless is very frightening indeed!

Dr. Jeffers provides an excellent, detailed discussion on victim mentality in Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, which I can tell you really opened my eyes. It would be inappropriate for me to duplicate her discussion here, but my take on it is this:

• If someone does something that you don't like, they are not "pissing you off", you are choosing to be pissed off by their actions. There is a world of difference between these two interpretations that not everyone understands (or wants to accept). What this translates to is that you owe it to yourself to do something constructive to change the situation as opposed to sulking in silence or complaining to your partner or friend. If you don't, you are being a victim by giving away your personal power to someone else (i.e. you are giving them the power to make you feel angry).
• Similarly, if something isn't going the way you want it to go, then you need to do something about it. If you don't at least try to change things, you are being a victim since consciously or not you are choosing to remain in a situation you don't like and/or letting negative things happen to you.
• While we might be able to recognize this particular brand of victim mentality in someone else, it can be sometimes quite difficult to identify in ourselves. I think this is because our victim type of thought pattern has become so ingrained in us that we feel quite justified in saying, "I really would change jobs if the economy weren't so bad right now" or "I would go back to school and get a better job if it weren't for my kids". However, other people are successfully changing jobs during this "bad" economy and other parents with kids find ways of going back to school. On the surface these "reasons" appear valid but in actual fact they are simply excuses for someone to remain in a job they don't like and feel justifiably sorry for themselves because they are "helpless" to change their situation due to circumstances they claim are beyond their control.
• To put it bluntly, the vast majority of our "reasons" for being in a position where we aren't happy are bullshit. Plain and simple. I can tell you from personal experience that accepting the fact you've been deluding yourself for much of your life can be quite humbling, but you can at least take some comfort in knowing that you're not alone - the world is filled with victims and we've all met many of them. The good news is, once you recognize your victim mentality for what it is you now have the ability to change it.

If, like me, you recognize that you've been guilty of indulging in victim thought patterns and behaviours but aren't sure how to put a quick and effective end to it, Dr. Jeffers' seven definitions of taking responsibility will help you do just that.

1. Never blame anyone else for anything you are being, doing, having or feeling.
2. Never blame yourself, either. (Though you recognize you are the cause of your unhappiness, there is no reason to cast blame.)
3. Be aware of when and where you are not taking responsibility so that you can eventually change.
4. Learn to handle your inner chatterbox - the voice inside you which tells you "you can't do it" or constantly reminds you of all the bad things that might happen if you choose a particular path.
5. Be aware of "pay-offs" that keep you stuck. (What benefits do you enjoy by remaining in your current situation? Do you feel safe? Are you in your comfort zone?)
6. Figure out what you want in life and act on it, rather than just accept what comes your way and complain about it.
7. Be aware of the multitude of choices you have in any given situation.

In speaking with many people over the years, I've learned that for most of us the biggest stumbling block to getting or doing what we want in life is making the initial decision to move forward, and that it's our fear of making a mistake which holds us back. So learn to look at decision making in terms of option A or option B as opposed to right or wrong. No matter which direction you take, there will always be opportunities as long as you choose to see and act upon them.

Learning to take positive action to be the kind of person you want to be and do the kinds of things you want to do despite feeling fearful is not a skill that can suddenly be mastered, it's more a process which takes a lifetime to achieve. But like just about everything else in life, your batting average improves with practice.

So start making decisions with confidence and acting upon them, because you know in your heart that no matter what happens you can, and you will, handle it!

Have you ever been right in the middle of saying something and then someone either cuts you off to state their opinion or changes the subject completely? We've all been there on occasion, but if it happens regularly and you don't know why, then please read this section carefully since it has the potential to end all that for good.

Effective communication starts and ends with getting your point across quickly and succinctly, and in a convincing manner that persuades your listener(s) what you have to say is worth their paying attention to. Otherwise they become bored with the conversation and move on.

Media research shows that the average attention span of an individual is approximately 30 seconds, which is why most television and radio commercials are 30 seconds in length. 30 seconds is all the time an advertiser has to grab attention, make the pitch and convince their audience to take action.

The same rules apply to us as communicators. We have, on average, 30 seconds to grab and hold someone's attention in order to get our point across, no matter how complicated or detailed the subject. And if you have any doubts about that, think about this: companies would not be spending millions of dollars advertising in 30 second spots if it didn't get them maximum results.

So in order to make maximum impact on your audience, you need to start thinking about effective communication as being a series of 30 second segments, where you grab attention, make your point, grab attention, make your point, grab attention, and so on. Otherwise, even though your audience may appear to be listening and paying attention, in actual fact they may be thinking about what to pick up at the grocery store on the way home from work, what to cook for dinner, what to do with the kids this weekend, or whatever it is that their mind drifts to after they stop focusing on what you are saying.

Or worse yet, if you're in a gathering of 3 or more people (either business or personal) someone may suddenly cut in on you mid-sentence and start talking about something completely different. If the rest of the group immediately transfers their attention to the new speaker, you can be sure you've lost them. I know from personal experience how embarrassing it can be when this happens, because it is so painfully obvious that I had been boring my audience.

So effective communication is not just about what you say, it's also about how you say it. If all this is starting to sound complicated, it's not really, once you learn to present each point you wish to make as a separate segment of your conversation that captures and refocuses listener attention. And if you're wondering why you should bother, understand this: effective communication puts you in the driver's seat for just about everything you want in life, whether it be in terms of personal relationships, career growth (i.e. negotiating a raise, obtaining a promotion, acing a job interview), getting cooperation from your spouse, children or co-workers, etc.

It all relates back to the positive impression you want to create in order to be all you can be and get all that you want for yourself in this life. Contrary to what some might believe, it's not all about physical appearance (although of course that is important as well), it's also about how you present yourself when you interact with others.

When you speak clearly, succinctly and convincingly, people will appreciate and respect the fact you don't mince words. They will believe your direct way of speaking comes from knowing what you want and knowing how to get it. They will then more readily trust your judgment and be more easily persuaded to agree with what you have to say. So effective communication skills are a key component of working with and through others to accomplish your goals.

Now that the why of effective communication has been established, let's move on to the practical part so you can start putting theory to practice right away.

Formula for developing your 30 second segment
There are 6 steps to developing an effective 30 second segment, whether it be stand alone (i.e. that's all you want to say) or one small portion of what you plan to say in total. These steps include:

1. Determine your objective.
2. Consider your audience.
3. Establish your approach.
4. Develop your hook.
5. Develop your message.
6. Develop your close.

The amount of thought you put into each of these steps is of course situation dependent. In a social setting where conversation is mostly spontaneous you won't have time to carefully consider each step, otherwise by the time you figure out what you're going to say the conversation will already have moved to another topic. Just remember to keep your points short and sweet without going into too much detail unless people specifically ask.

However, in a more formal business setting the agenda is usually predetermined and so you have time to adequately prepare your thoughts and arguments. The more thought you put into your arguments, the greater your chances of getting what you want.

Determining Your Objective
What is the goal or point of your conversation? Ask yourself what you are trying to accomplish by opening your mouth. Is it to entertain with an amusing story? Convince your partner to vacation in Hawaii instead of at the in-laws? Make your child do his homework or clean her room? Persuade your colleagues to agree with your proposal? Negotiate a higher raise then what's been offered?

There are countless reasons why you might want to speak (or write) to someone, but keep in mind you should have only one clear cut objective for each conversation. That's the best way to guarantee your message is short, to the point and most importantly, relevant to what you're trying to achieve.

That's not to say the objective can't change as you move along. For example, if your initial goal is a Hawaiian vacation, once you've achieved that you might then want to discuss the specifics of timing, budget, who's going to look after the kids, etc. Or, if your objective is to convince your colleagues to support your cost saving proposal, once you obtain buy-in you can then move to reviewing specific implementation details.

Considering Your Audience
Understanding your audience is key to ensuring the effectiveness of any communication. Knowing who you're speaking with helps you find common ground and make a deeper connection so that people are more motivated to listen to what you have to say.

Knowing your audience can also prevent you from saying anything inappropriate that could prove embarrassing. For example, if you're in a social setting you wouldn't want to criticize a colleague or boss if it turns out that someone in the group knows them quite well.

Considering your audience also means understanding whether or not they are able to give you what you want. You don't want to waste your time arguing with a store clerk if they do not have the authority to grant you a refund.

Establishing Your Approach
The right approach is dependent on both your objective and your audience. You need to be clear both on what you want and what the other person wants so that you can tailor your approach accordingly.

For example, say you want to ask your boss for a promotion. You might start with "I've already proven the value of my work to the company. Promoting me to (insert position here) will allow me to further increase the value of my contribution. And if I were to take over doing (insert job function), then you would have more time to (insert whatever it is that is your boss's pet project)."

Or say you're buying a new car but don't want to pay list price, and you can tell the sales person is hungry. The following approach tells him or her you're not going to pay full price but that the sale is still possible if they're willing to negotiate with you: "I really like this car, but I'm on a tight budget. I know you have some room to move so if you can work with me on this we'll both win."

Developing Your Hook
Once you're clear on your objective, your audience and your approach, you need some way of grabbing attention in order to make your point. If you're not sure what I mean by the term "hook", the next time you turn on the television study the ads to find out what catches your attention, makes you remember the ad and entices you to buy the product. Alternatively, take a look at the newspaper headlines and think about how and why they entice you to read the accompanying article.

Hooks can be serious, dramatic or humorous, but they must capture attention so that your audience is motivated to listen to what you're going to say next. They should also be relevant to your subject matter. (Be careful when choosing a humorous approach - although it can be very effective when used appropriately, it can also fall quite flat when your audience doesn't share your sense of humour.)

Here are some questions to ask yourself when looking for your hook:

1. What's the most unusual part of your subject?
2. What's the most interesting and/or exciting part?
3. What's the most dramatic part?
4. What's the most humorous part?

Developing Your Message
You've caught your audience's attention with the hook, now you've got to keep them and convince them. Your message, therefore, needs to explain, reinforce and prove the point you're trying to make.

Ask yourself what, who, where, when, why and how. Write down the answers if you need to. Then for each answer, ask yourself three questions:

1. Do they explain or reinforce the point you're trying to make?
2. Do they relate to the listener?
3. Do they correspond with your approach?

If your answer is yes to all three questions, then use it as part of your message.

Developing Your Close
You've got your listener's attention, delivered your message and now you're ready to make your closing point. Ask yourself what it is that you're trying to accomplish and the answer to that question is your close.

There are two types of closes - a demand for an action (which requests something be done within a specific time frame - i.e. take me out for dinner tonight) or a demand for a reaction (which is a little more subtle and uses the power of suggestion or example to ask for something indirectly - i.e. wouldn't it be nice for just the two of us to spend some quiet time together tonight?).

Make sure you understand your listener and how far you can push him or her when determining the correct closing technique. If you come on too strong, you'll get a no when with a little more patience you could have achieved a yes.

While by no means an exhaustive treatise on the subject of effective communication, the ideas in this article discuss some proven techniques that will help give you the edge that successful people share -- the art of communicating quickly, precisely and powerfully!

For more detailed information on this very important subject, I suggest you read How To Get Your Point Across in 30 Seconds or Less by Milo O. Frank, which is available through Chapters Online.

Change doesn't always come easy, no matter how badly we might want it. Most of what we think and do is based on habit rather than conscious thought. The good news is that behaviors and mindsets can be changed once we become aware of them and make a conscious decision to change. The key to success is to persevere long enough to allow the new thought/behaviour pattern to replace our old habit. However, most people give up at the first sign of struggle before the new habit can be properly formed and revert right back to their old ways, reinforcing the idea that change isn't possible for them.

If you're serious about making positive changes in your life, here are a few pointers to keep in mind.

Set realistic goals
Change can't always happen overnight. For example, if you wish to lose 30 pounds it's not realistic to expect to drop that weight within a few weeks or even a few months. Instead, set yourself a realistic goal of one or two pounds a week. Fifteen weeks to a new you may seem like a long wait; however, a diet is temporary while a change in eating habits is long term. A diet may allow you to lose weight quickly but in the end you will eventually gain it back, because you haven't developed the habit of healthy eating with portion control.

Be consistent
Strive for consistency, not perfection. Nobody is perfect, so don't expect to reach your intended goal without making mistakes along the way or you'll set yourself up for failure and disappointment. So if you've set a goal to work out at the gym three times a week and this week you only made it there twice, don't beat yourself up mentally for having "failed". Instead give yourself a pat on the back for the two times you did work out and get yourself back on track for the following week.

Understand that change isn't always easy.
Old habits are hard to break, and the older the habit the harder it is to change. Understand change will be challenging so that you are mentally prepared to fight and overcome the urge to revert back to your old ways. Look for an alternate activity to replace the undesirable behaviour. So if stress makes you want to light up a cigarette then look for something else to replace this habit, like chewing sugar free gum.

Make the commitment
Change requires conscious choice between two alternatives. Using our diet example, if you want lose weight you can't have both a lean body and junk food - you have to choose which one is more important to you. It's while you are sitting on the fence struggling with your choice that making a commitment is most difficult. Once you decide once and for all that you'd rather have the body than the food (or the healthy lungs versus the cigarettes) it becomes much easier to remain on course.

Projecting an air of confidence at all times is important; showing others you believe in yourself makes it much more likely they will believe in you too. When interacting with those around you, how you are feeling inside is conveyed not as much by your words as it is by your body language. If your words are saying one thing but your body language is projecting a whole different message, people tend to believe what the non-verbal clues are telling them more so than the actual words you are speaking.

Research has shown that when there's an inconsistent message, listeners believe 7% of what you say (verbal), 38% of what they hear in the tone of your voice (vocal), and 55% of what they see in your body language (visual). So how you come across visually and vocally has the greatest impact on someone's perception of you, which means that in order to present a clear and believable image of self confidence at all times, you must be conscious of your voice and body language and in full control of the messages they are sending.

The tone of your voice should be firm and loud enough so that others can clearly hear you. Nothing says "I'm lacking confidence" more than a tiny, quiet voice. Many women tend to end their sentences on a higher note, much like when asking a question, which makes it sound like they are asking for permission to voice their own opinion. How confident does that sound?

Speak with energy, enthusiasm and conviction so you do sound like you mean what you say. Breathe deeply and allow the air to supply power to your voice to convey confidence and assertiveness. Those deep breaths will slow you down to ensure you are speaking at an even pace; speaking quickly can give the impression you don't want to be there and you can hardly wait to leave. Vary inflection to avoid sounding boring - or that you yourself are bored.

Avoid non-words like um, uh, like and you know, because most people realize we use words like this when we don't know what to say. Non-words can therefore give others the impression you don't know what you're talking about. So next time you're tempted to say "um", pause and take a deep, relaxing breath instead. Pausing conveys confidence (ever noticed how uncomfortable some people get during brief lulls in conversation and so need to fill up the empty space with silly chatter?) and also buys you time to think of what you need to say next. A strategic pause in your conversation can also help drive home an important point.

If you're not sure how you sound to other people, record yourself in a few different situations. During playback, forget about how you felt when you were making the recording and instead listen carefully to how you sound. The tone of your voice can be a great asset, so learn how to use it to your best advantage.

It's been said that eyes are the windows to the soul, and it's true that when interacting with others your eyes communicate a lot about what's going on inside. Relationships are created from trust, and trust is communicated through the eyes. Maintaining good eye contact with the people you are speaking with is therefore important because without it trust can neither develop nor be sustained.

Think about it. Have you ever had a conversation with someone whose eyes dart everywhere and find yourself wondering why they can't seem to look at you? Do you trust people like this, or do you tend to question their credibility and/or knowledge?

Practice talking only when you see a person's eyes and pausing when you look away. Use natural pauses in the conversation to temporarily break eye contact so that you don't come across as too intense to other people, but make sure you re-establish eye contact before speaking again. Try it on a family member or a close friend first, and ask them to let you know immediately when you look away from them while speaking. Although this may seem uncomfortable at first, you will get used to it and it will become more natural and comfortable for you as you practice.

When speaking with others, sit or stand with your back straight. Slouching or leaning sends the message you're either intimidated by or uninterested in the conversation.

Avoid fidgeting with your hands, jewelry, or anything else within your reach. It's distracting and can convey lack of confidence. Instead, use hand gestures to add emphasis and impact to your message and energy and inflection to your voice. To avoid the perception of "talking with your hands", expand gestures from your side. Keep your hands open and your gestures fluid without being over exaggerated so that you appear relaxed, confident and in control of your thoughts.

Finally, ensure that your facial expression portrays confidence, enthusiasm and self assurance, rather than fear, hesitation and uncertainty. In other words, look like you mean what you say. Smile as you speak, as this will brighten your entire face and make you seem more alive and animated. Smiling also lends warmth and strength to your voice, which makes a noticeable difference even when speaking to someone over the telephone.

If you are the type of person who feels intimidated speaking to some of your colleagues in the work place, your direct boss (or your boss's boss) or to people you don't know very well, take heart. I've been there myself and if I can overcome this fear, then so can you! The best words of advice I can offer are these: When it comes to effective communication, it's not about you, it's about the person (or people) in front of you. So focus on them and the importance of getting your message across accurately and in the spirit intended, rather than how you're feeling inside. Trust me, it works.

None of us will ever feel completely confident all off the time, but no one needs to know when you're not feeling totally sure of yourself or a particular situation. To project an air of confidence and self assurance you don't necessary have to feel that way inside, you just need to look like you do.